willing

This piece was composed and edited entirely by my human brain, the use of AI in the arts is strictly prohibited here at Intimate Thoughts.

For the last several Wednesday mornings I have sat in front of my computer willing the emotions I have been holding in to manifest into words. I have sat in different chairs, in different rooms, different parts of town, and in varying levels of comfort hoping that if I stretch my mind far enough that the words will come back to me. And when that doesn’t work, I stretch my body. Yoga mat out in front of the television, breathing audibly as I come to center. Rinse and repeat, each Wednesday morning.

The words never come.

So, I dress in the same worn jeans. I probably need to replace them soon. I have already ironed on patches on the weak points, and still they fray. The pockets are worn and will soon have holes, and these are ones that I won’t be able to ignore. The waistband around my ankles as I pull them up, having to do the stiff jean shimmy as the cat attacks the hems. I will pull a loved shirt from the bin, only to cover it with a sweater. I work the closing shift on Wednesday, arriving at late lunch and staying until after a late dinner. I laugh more during closing shifts, there is more time, and yet none at all. Tonight I will get home, and the kitchen will probably be full of a dinner that my hands did not make. My arms will wrap around tonights chef, and I will scoop up the cat in my arms - forgetting all about the way she clawed the hem of my stiff jeans earlier this morning - and I will find peace in my heart.

While working on setting boundaries in my life, I have found myself setting wide spaces. Today I finally followed through with an unfollowing. A social media removal. To say I feel lighter is an understatement, the relief of remembering I have control on what I choose to take in. To celebrate I made a salted honey latte, I probably still drink too much coffee, but somehow it feels less than I ever have. I don’t really have much to do, I have cleaned the house thrice already this week, the sheets are clean and the laundry done. The boy is at school, and the cats are fat and napping following their morning breakfast. I have had my shower, and now I sit and wait.

Hopefully the words come soon.